cocoons, butterflies, and Frankenstein Monsters

I have a friend named "A," whom I've known for years. I've watched her go through dramatic changes in her life. "A" has always been a reliable, upright, caring, and no nonsense friend. About a year ago she had a Laparoscopic Gastric Band put in and has sense lost A LOT of weight. Her most dramatic changes have been mental, rather then physical, however. She has become a very different person; she's become self-involved, shallow, and not a very good friend. In short, while she's become "hot" she has also become a less beautiful person.

Call it what you will, ugly duckling syndrome, the "clueless factor," getting to big for one's breaches, a chronic swollen head - it's a trait I've seen in many people.

A friend of mine once spoke of here transition saying, "I went from being a chubby awkward boy, to a voluptuous bombshell. I was a nobody then I was the object of everyones desire." Thinking about that, I can see how such drastic change might go to a persons head.

I've always been the long-shot pick, to short and to skinny as a kid, not tall enough and to fat as a teenager, and always the four-eyed nerd. I have no idea how a sudden change would effect me, I've always been the "nice average guy." Perhaps people who actualize drastic transformation find there whole world view skewed out of perspective and have to adjust. It just really hurts to be left in the dust of someone you care abouts journey.

D.

Lonsome Train (Down A Lonsome Track)

Sometimes while sheltering in the awkward little bubble that is my own stream of consciousness, I wonder if others go through the same social anxiety that I do. I wonder if interpersonal relations are the cause of the same nervousness for others as they are for me.

Hanging on every call, every text, every inflection of voice. Hoping, praying, pleading with the universe for strength and courage to let her know how I feel.

Slings and Arrows (from fat babbies w/. wings)

Wow, so a long absence on my part. What can I say? But, sometimes I'm lazy; when faced with the dilemma of updating my blog or watching my netflix, the blog always losses.

So, courtship continues (see "Dating is like ridding a bicycle" & "Feeling down today"). As much as I thought the previously mentioned person was awesome before, I think she's even more so now.

She makes me feel like a goofy love-struck teenager! I made a clear declaration of feelings/intentions and was NOT rebuffed. Quite the opposite turned out to be the case - in fact, the feeling is mutual! We're taking things slow, which given both our histories is the right way to proceed.

D.

A word of warning

So, I was the victim of credit card fraud. What's even better is that VISA only caught it because a I made multipule (legit) charges at the same location within minutes (sometimes I'm a little scatter-brained). Although, to be fair, I didn't catch these bogus recurring charges on any of my statements either.

OK - lesion learned. check credit card statements more carefully.

How does this relate to the subject matter of my blog you ask?

The company that charged me is called epoch.com - they are a credit card processor (who are notorious for this). Epoch also charges cards under tons of other names.

Epoch is one of the main credit card processors for Groby Productions.

Groby Produces transsexual themed porn web sites and videos. So, because being a kinda average guy, and not being ashamed to admit that I sometimes look at dirty pictures on the internet that cater to my sexuality - I got totally ripped off!

So here's my word of warning; I have no idea if Groby is implicit in credit card fraud, however, Epoch.com is well documented as a bad apple. And, a simple google search reveals complaints of fraud by Epoch all over the internet. So, why would any honest business continue any connection with a known group of crooks? From what I understand, what happens is, Epoch often pays kick-backs to websites for continuing a business relationship with them - and the websites don't ask questions. This whole thing is fishy.

OK - lesion learned, don't expect exploitive internet smut peddlers to be anything other then sleazy and corrupt.


D.

A pox on both your houses!

Over time I've become aware of a emotional phenomenon that has occurred to many trans-women I've known. Although, I imagine it is not by all means universal, in my experience, it is startlingly common. I would say that a startling percentage of TS girls I've either known as friends, or dated, had highly pessimistic view of love and romance. It seems to me to be a probably natural "burn-out" response, which functions as a defense mechanism, and is brought on as a result of dealing with asshole guys.

In dealing with my own issues with depression, I have found that jaded complacency is a key enemy. The fatalistic cavalier attitude that one hold while in a depressive state is wrong, it does not create any constructive progress. Now I have no idea if this is even a fare comparison, but this is what I do know.

Seeing a person I care about suffering in such a way hurts. I wonder if they will ever heal from their wounds or will mistrust and emotional numbness consume them. It hurts when someone I'm in a relationship with, or want to be in a relationship with, has been so badly treated in th past that to prove my good intentions is near impossible. It hurts when I see friends sabotaging their relationships.

D.

Please forgive this incoherent ramble...

So, I had this fluffy dating up-date in mind tonight but, at this point, it feels so pointless and self-absorbed. Please forgive my lack of coherence.

I just read about the murder of Angie Zapata. I was sort of aware that it had happened, but I just read an article that specifically described how the crime occurred. The murder of any human being is is tragic, and I believe justice should be delivered mercilessly for ALL violent crimes.

In this case though, how can the retribution of mortal hands ever come close to justice? A split second "crime of passion" followed by a life-sentence as atonement - I see the logic, the fairness, possibility human redemption.

But to attack someone, methodically cover the tracks and then - when the victim survived the first attack by some slim chance - to deliver a killing blow on a defenseless unconcious victim, it defies all reason.

In my life I have seen the face of death. I grew up in Oakland, CA - a city that at times averaged more then a murder a day. I've known people who ended up homicide and suicide statistics. I have had friends who don't always disclose their TS status partners - which I refuse to pass judgment on. But, please everyone be careful, please everyone be careful, and please Saint Michael protect us from evil.

D.

Oh yeah, a big thanks to Riftgirl for plugging my blog on her AWESOME blog beingt.blogspot.com. Although, I bet all the people who are actually reading my blog found out about it from her.

But, if you haven't seen her stuff, do yourself a favor and check it out! She has cool essays, daily observations and fancy shiny videos that poke fun at everyone under the trans-community umbrella (I recommend her video "How to Seduce a T-Girl" - it's more funny then reading the Craig's List M4T "casual encounters" page!

D.

Wow, sometimes I just don't know what to say..

So, the subject came up with a friend about my specific sexuality/proclivity; she did a little Sherlock Holmesing on my myspace page and conected the dots to a past girlfriend's page via her comments on my page.

She was really very supportive and well-meaning in her discussion of the whole issue. However, the whole situation made me wonder about two things.

First, why is it that so many of us (myself included) feel the need to display our lives for the world to see on sites like facebook, myspace, frindster, or livejournel? I was thinking about it, and I have no idea why I even have a myspace account.

Secondly, while my friend was really well intentioned, she was also kinda hung-up on the trans issue. To her it seemed like my sexuality boiled down to the mechanics of genitalia. Which, in one sense I guess it does. But, on the other hand it is such an over simplification.

Now I'm not, nor do I claim to be at all, well versed in concepts of human sexuality or gender studies. But, Straight-n-narrow heterosexual people don't have there sexuality truncated into the basics of whether their partner has an "inie" or and "outie." So why should mine?

D.

Dating is like riding a bycycle

So, I enjoy riding BART (the light-rail system where I live).

Being in a relationship is like riding the train. Usually it is predictable, reliable, comfortable and enjoyable; on occasion there's a fire on the track and you're 3 hours late to work - but not often.

Dating is like riding bike; once you learn how, you'll always retain the skill. However, the air-conditioned train sure sounds nice in late July. On the other hand, though, under the right conditions a nice ride can be fun.

The dating front is going going okay, I guess. I've been talking to someone, but, I'm trying to play it cool so as not to come on to strong. Which sucks cause she's F-in AWESOME! Also, it was on the stupid internet, so I feel kinda lame just about the whole thing at times.

D.

Feeling down today

So, I'm actively trying to date again and it tends to overwhelm me. Under every new leaf I turn over I can see the potential of what might be. But, it so often leads to nowhere that I get disheartened and retreat to solitude again.

I'm always afraid I'll say to much and end up not saying enough.

"The Chasers Paradox"

In order to maintain a romantic relationship there are three constants that must be present in both parties involved:

1). Compatibility of personalities*
2). A deep connection of friendship admiration*
3). Mutual physical attraction*

*none of which can be merely in passing

Much as with "laws of diminished returns" finding #1, #2, & #3 become harder as one narrows the focus of the search for a partner. I mean, honestly, 45% of the population wants to date the other 45% - and they have a hard time! If you take into account relative scarcity of transwomen which is approx. 1 in 4,500 birth assigned males vs. the over all US male population of approx. 153 million you see a clear case of demand over stripping supply. Although, admittedly the percent of men who are "chasers" is unknown.

"Chasers" often find #1 & #2 in a natal women and figure "Heck, two outta three ain't bad." The problem is with this model, though, is that living in an sexually unfulfilled/frustrating relationship leads to resentment, guilt, and eventually cheating.

So, with all of this as a given the "Chasers Paradox" is:

You can lower your expectations and settle, or, you can not settle, and more likely then not, never find a partner.

my humble origins AKA a bit of a Bio. PART 3

Well, with the desolving of M****'s & my relationship I made a conscious choice; I was determined to be pro-active about figuring out my sexuality confusion issues. Up to that I had really limited experiences in general. Using the scientific method I would figure out, by process of elimination, where I stood in the whole gender/sexuality spectrum (in other words I'd whore it up a little - rebounded style).

Well, long story short I slept around a bunch and learned something conclusively: boys just don't do it for me. Which, I actually was kinda bummed me out, sense it seems to me, at this point in life, to be an easy "out" compared to my current sexual proclivity.

Then I discovered Craig's List. Up until that point, perhaps naïvely, I had thought TS women were as rare as unicorns & blue moons. Anyways, I responded to an add and met a pretty out-of-this world girl. Although, in hindsight we were probably no good for each other.

M******* was a rocker through and through (just like yours truly!). We had really similar world views. we were two peas in a pod pretty much.

She was also a sex worker - she was up front with that fact, though. By that point I was aware (thanks again to CL) was pretty common, and it didn't really bother me that much. Well, we dated for over a year, and it was probably the most fun/self-destructive period of my whole life.

From this experience learned a lot. I also developed my theory of "The Chaser's Paradox"

Stay tuned and I'll tell it to you
(although I don't think anyone is actually reading my blog - oh well!)

my humble origins AKA a bit of a Bio. PART 2

High school was much better then Junior High. The HS I went to had something like 3,000 students so I kinda floated by in anonymity most of the time and I kinda flourished. I actually excelled academically to and got mostly A's to the delight of my parents. My junior year I transfered schools which was a big change. I went from a 3,000+ student public school - where a the adolescen/prison yard mentality prevailed - to a small alternative continuation school that was envisioned as a safe place for special or at risk kids who didn't fit the norm (translation lots of LBGT students, artistic/creative kids, punk rockers, goths, and hippies). Anyways, I look back very fondly at 11th and 12th grade for many reasons.

It was at ****** High that I figured out a lot about my identity. After "dating" N*** I had become a little more confident. In 9th and 10th grade I had a more active social life and made a few (ahem) friends both of the male and female persuasion. At my new high school I met L**** who went to an alternative school because the students where she had gone before didn't appreciate awkward femmey boys become really cool girls. We became really close friends and started dating the summer between my Junior and Senior year. So at about 18 things clicked, although, I probably couldn't verbalize it so "eloquently" at the time. I am attracted to a clearly defined male/female dynamic in the context of a relationship, but I enjoy the presence of 2 peni during the sex act.

Ah mystery solved....or is it? probably not (hint, Murphy's law applies)

Well me and L**** dated for about a year after I finished high school. We eventually went our separate ways over differences; I was an immature 19 year old who mainly wanted to drink beer, work on my car and save up money for college, which was okay by her as a great "fuck you for standing in my way, dad!" kinda high school BF. But, when she graduated she went to college in SoCal and that was the end of us. I actually took it really hard and didn't date at all for 2 years.

Flash 3 years down the road. I did 2 years of college, but then dropped out to work with the plan to go back in about a year (which ended up more 5). I met a girl named M****. She was cool an looked almost exactly like Betty Page, I didn't know that she was initially I didn't know that she was "my type" of girl, so I ignored her advances whicle she pursued me for a while, we ended up dating for nearly 2 years.


to be continued.....

my humble origins AKA a bit of a Bio. PART 1

I was born is sunny California in the early 80's, in some ways I had a totally idillic childhood - my parents, who are still together after like 40 years, provided a warm, supportive, and loving home. In other ways though, things were kinda rough. Growing up I always knew I was kinda different; for example I was pretty sure I was the only boy on the block whose ***** was molesting him, which kinda put a damper on my child-like wonderment. On the plus side though, I never had to lie about not being a virgin in high school (I know, making fun of molestation isn't healthy, but sometimes laughing is the only way to keep from crying). So basically I was a freaked out, traumatized, inverted little kid.

Flash to adolescence. I had all the usual sexuality confusions that are normal with development. I thought girls were really interesting but terribly intimidating. Middle school was s***y. I got bullied a lot; the other boys didn't like the shy, somewhat effeminate 13 year old who was kinda a train-wreck identity wise.

The summer between 7th and 8th grade (I was 13 going on 14) I started "dating" an older boy who lived a few blocks (he was 17, which I know is a bit dodgey) I thought he was really cool; he smoked, he had a car, he treated me not like shit. Anyways, we "dated" all summer and towards the end I started to have some pretty deep feelings for him and said so. He promised to stay in touch when he went away to college. But, I never really heard from him after he went away to school.

Well being all broke up about my shattered puppy-lovin' let down I confided in my fag-hag in training best friend - who promptly told everybody what was going on! In her defense, I don't think she thought what she was doing was that big of a deal. I think she thought pushing me out of the closet would help me out somehow. Anyways, long story short, 8th grade was MUCH worse then 7th.

But I learned to valuable lessons from the experience: 1). Guys often will do anything to get into a boy's/girl's/etc.'s pants! 2). NEVER kiss and tell!

The first of many to come AKA an introduction

Well welcome to my blog. For those of you who care to read this is going to be a chronicle of my present, and past, experiences dating transsexual women. I hope for it to be an outlet for me to express my feelings, think out loud, sometimes complain, and make a few observations on occasion.

In the course of writing this blog I will always aim for complete honesty, to that end I've decided to do it in a somewhat anonymous way as I plan to share some deeply personal beeswax from time-to-time.

D.