In order to maintain a romantic relationship there are three constants that must be present in both parties involved:
1). Compatibility of personalities*
2). A deep connection of friendship admiration*
3). Mutual physical attraction*
*none of which can be merely in passing
Much as with "laws of diminished returns" finding #1, #2, & #3 become harder as one narrows the focus of the search for a partner. I mean, honestly, 45% of the population wants to date the other 45% - and they have a hard time! If you take into account relative scarcity of transwomen which is approx. 1 in 4,500 birth assigned males vs. the over all US male population of approx. 153 million you see a clear case of demand over stripping supply. Although, admittedly the percent of men who are "chasers" is unknown.
"Chasers" often find #1 & #2 in a natal women and figure "Heck, two outta three ain't bad." The problem is with this model, though, is that living in an sexually unfulfilled/frustrating relationship leads to resentment, guilt, and eventually cheating.
So, with all of this as a given the "Chasers Paradox" is:
You can lower your expectations and settle, or, you can not settle, and more likely then not, never find a partner.
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3 comments:
Frustrating, huh? It's the same over here.
The cultural institution of "love" is predicated on a hetero/cis bearing. I know that sounds obvious, but it never really hit home for me until I got serious about my transition. Everything we were taught about romance - the notion of "soul mates", for instance, or the idea that "there's always more fish in the sea" - springs from a communal mind that can afford to have such thoughts. We were brought up in that world, wanting those things, but those archetypes don't hold the same meaning for us. Love, romance, and intimacy look different from our side of the fence, but for now, we keep wanting what the others have.
The question is whether we want that simply because we don't know any different - is it possible to embrace the differences in how we love and create a romantic culture of our own that is as optimistic and hopeful for us? - or because there simply is no other way. Frankly, I don't know.
That's the big question, isn't it, Renee? It's kind of like the whole gay marriage thing, too. Should people be campaigning for those rights - or developing a brand new paradigm for what commitment means?
I wonder at times, too, how much of my own personal desires are byproducts of the "system" and what's simply intrinsic?
Yeah, it is a big question. I mean, I want it too. Fuck, I just want to be a normal girl.
I could make this about my own issues, but I won't. In general, I feel worse for my gay/lesbian/and now chaser friends. I watched a friend come out as lesbian, and for the past two years she's muddled through the reduced dating pool, making compromises and sacrifices she would never have considered before, just to have someone close to her in the evenings. It makes me sad.
At least if I'm successful in my transition (and I have a lot more physical obstacles in my way than just a penis, so there, I did bring in my own issues) I might have a shot at something approaching "normalcy". Some trans-people do achieve that. We could theoretically access that 45% that right now is denied us (although I'd then have to find a man willing to date a 6'6" woman...that's the elephant in my kitchen). But my friend, she's always going to struggle against the tide.
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