Well friends. . .

. . . it looks like this blog may have run its course.

If you've read my entries you'll realize that many of them germinated when I was in a great deal of turmoil and pain and, frankly, I'm no longer in that kind of space. You see, I'm found my true love. As corny as it sounds it's true and now that she's in in my life, I just don't feel the drive or desire to keep up this blog. In the last year I was in a lot of pain but in she cured me of all that. When I look in her eyes all the shit, all the negativity, all the BS of the human condition disappears and I see life as a beautiful thing filled with endless possibilities.

So KB, thank you. I love you baby and I always will.

The end folks,

- D

A Serendipitous WTF Moment

Two blogs in one day! What gives you ask? Well I'll tell you. I'm sitting up contemplating why I have such horrible luck in my romantic life. Am I throwing myself a pity party? Maybe. Is my frustration justified? Perhaps (I'm not sure, really). What I do know, however, is that it's been a rough year.

In my personal life, I'd be the first to admit that I'm no angel, but sometimes I really have to wonder why things work out they way they do for me.

Last month I briefly spoke with a girl whom I thought was quite cool. However, as it turned out, she was not quite as she seemed. As can be the case in online correspondence, her physical appearance did not match the image she projected on the Internet. Does this make me a shallow A-hole beyond redemption? Perhaps. But from my perspective, if someone misleads through lack of forthright disclosure, it's a giant red flag about there mental model regarding themselves, the nature of subjectivity, and the truth. The whole incident also struck a chord with me in that it reminded me of a very unpleasant episode discussed here and here.

All of this is to say that I sometimes of the huge WTF moments where I wonder why I've been having such a impossible time finding a girlfriend who is not 1) cheating on someone with me 2) a former or current escort, or 3) emotionally more available than a house plant.

Objectively (and at the risk of sounding egotistical) I'm a catch. I'm smart in quantifiable ways; I'm genuinely sweet, compassionate, and one-of-kind in an extraordinary ways (not my words but those of the last girl I was romantically involved with when she shit canned me); I'm financially comfortable and, despite taking a full class load at the graduate level, I do volunteer work at a charity!

So what gives, am I an ugly troll? Are my standards unrealistic? Is there something of putting about me? All these rejections, set-backs, and disappointments are really starting to get to me.

When I examine what I'm looking for in someone is seems to me that my standards are pathetically low.

I'd like to date someone with higher education, but it's not a requirement. I'm usually physically attracted to women who are shorter or lighter than I am, but I've been know to date a tall girl or two in my day. As a matter of fact, the only two hard disqualifiers in my book are stupidity and insincerity.

I suppose that I do look for a certain level of what see as attractiveness in women, but I don't think it's "aesthetic gold digging" as a v-logger I like puts it, but I don't think it is unreasonable to desire attractiveness in a mate.

What I wonder is, am I too picky? Maybe I should just settle because, the loneliness I feel being single, is beginning to be intolerable. . .

Sigh,
- D

Come in out of the draft

If I was going to compare loneliness to a physical sensation I would liken it to cold. Like a winter's chill loneliness is a sensation that can infiltrate past insulation --whether it is of a physical or mental-- and once they penetrates a person's core, they both take hold. Likewise, both sensations persist after the condition that create them have passed.

So do yourself a favor this winter and stay out of the cold.

Mind You P's and Q's. . .

Here's my main observation about online dating, which is important since the vast majority of the dating interplay between men and trans-women takes place in a "e-mantic" context.

People, by and large, do not treat those they meet online the same way they do those they meet "organically." People often seem to take a view that, since the connection was made online, the usual rules of courtesy don't apply and the connection between the two parties is somehow of less value so as to be disposable. After all, it is fairly easy to strike up a conversation with someone online; little real effort actually needs to be put into meeting someone. In this way, meeting someone online is much more akin to meeting someone in a club or bar.

It seems to me that if someone is introduced as a friend of a friend we naturally expect (and show) a certain level of automatic courtesy and respect. After all, if you're super douchey to a friend's friend, you'll likely get called out on it. But, in the social consequence free semi-anonymity of online dating, people often behave terribly to each other.

The fundamental root of this phenomenon, as I see it, is that as with so much in this age of the text message, we are becoming increasingly alienated from, and lacking in empathy for, each other.

So people, don't be d-bags to those you meet online . . . the person on the other end of that text message, IM, email, or dating site PM is a real person too!

- D

High Horses Are Not For Dating. . .

You know what would be nice? If people would just legitimately express their interest in others. It seems to me the whole pretense of playing coy, is really a poor tactical decision. . . it seems like life would just be easier that way anyways.

- D

When In Rome (you'll be fucked over by Romans)

As a follow up to my last entry I'd like to touch on the repercussions of failed romantic adventures. If you've been reading my blog lately you probably realize I recently have had a demoralizing setback in my personal life. Despite all my cynical bravado, at my core, I still seem to foolishly believe in the all encompassing curative power of true love . . . which can translate into serious disappointment in the real word.

Something I have wrestled with is the conflict between idealistic romantic notions and the accompanying disillusionment that follows heartbreaks. One of my worst fears is to loss the ability to genuinely care for another person. More specifically, though, I worry that, with each subsequent amorous letdown, my view of trans-women will take a more and more negative character.

I know, from other blogs and community message boards, that my fear over this internal trend is not unfounded. It seems that, for many reasons (probably well known to what readers I may have), there is often a vicious cycle of trans-women and men hurting and getting hurt by each other in turn. The net result of this can, often times, be quit ugly.

I (sort of) recently read an advice column, however, that really help put this phenomenon into perspective. In a recent Savage Love (syndicated columnist Dan Savage answered, whom you should Google) answered email by a gay women who was questioning why it seemed as if all gay women were jerks. Dan's answer? If you're a woman, who dates women, when you run into a jerk, the jerk'll be a chick!

I know this seems kinda obvious, but when I read that, a light bulb really went off in my head. Now if I can only try and remember to tell myself that next time a t-girl breaks my heart. . .

- D

Death of the Nice Guy

So this is a re-post of a re-post. Whoever originally wrote this, I think, certainly hit the nail on the head*, so I thought I'd put it up for whom it may concern. I find that what is described very much fits the pattern of validation seeking I discussed in an previous blog

* Edit: I wasn't clear here. What I mean by "hit the nail on the head" is, I think, the original author, now lost to the internet ether, is a really good example of the mirror reflection of a jaded mindset I've seen in women who've been mistreated by men. There is certainly a underlining bitter tone to Mr. X's words, but I don't feel that it is fair to dismiss the core sentiment that is expressed.

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too ____, or not ____ enough, or didn't know how to _____, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind. You laughed at his consideration and subtly resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A former Nice Guy now a Bad, Bad Boy!!!

Tonight I'm a Sad Bunny Rabbit

The worst part about having your heart broken is the disappointment.

That slow withering away of idealism mixes with a gradual realization that what might have been will never be. This knowledge casts a long, unpredictable, shadow from which melancholy emerges at varying intervals.

The knowledge that you gave your all, but through no fault of you own, it was ultimately insufficient, allows for over analytical critical self-examination which results in crippling self-doubt.

I loved her more than she ever realized or I thought possible given the circumstances.

The Rough 'n' Tumble world of Online Dating

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Where have I been? (pt.2)

Continuing where I left off...

I decided not to pursue a relationship with the girl I'd been corresponding with. Which so began one of the surrealist episodes of my life. I tried to make a clean and honorable break, although, in all fairness, there's not really a nice way to say, "sorry, I think you're bat shit crazy and you scare the bejesus out of me."

This girl was what I call a "big deal on the internet" e.g. she has lots of cyber friends (none of whom she'd ever met in person, as far as I know). She started a campaign to isolate me on the most prominent transgender dating sites. She did this a number of ways, most notably by befriending girls in my area to "warn" them about me, which I found particularly disingenuous consider in several instances, I knew for a fact that she, in actuality, seriously disliked her new "friends." I quickly found myself being drawn into a internet PR war, which I decided to avoid by lowering my profile in cyberland. In other words, I was bullied off the internet.

Needless to say, the whole situation was rather stressful, but what was really the most difficult part was that I found several acquaintances, who I considered friends (as much as you can people you know via the internet) took her "side" in the drama of this internet "break-up"

The truly bizarre thing is, even though this person has since be "publicly" shown to be a crazy person and - I believe - banned from a few dating sites, for some reason, the stigma surrounding me remains. I even had a run in with with a girl last month who called me out for supposedly being "just another typical dodgy tranny chaser" - which under the circumstances was funny, considering this girl once stood me up on a date!

I think there are really three lessons to be learned by this: 1) hell hath no furry like the women scorned; 2) the transgender world is a small one; 3) don't believe everything some you "know" on the internet tells you.

D.

Where have I been? (pt.1)

I maintained this blog, as well as its predecessor, for a fairly long time. But for reasons I'm not entirely sure about, though, I decided to take a break from blogging about a year and a half ago. So I thought whoever's out there might like a recap of what's been going on in the last 18-19 month.

Queue cheesy movie flashback squigly lines and fade to black and white...

In the Summer of 2008 I started corresponding with a girl via a dating site (actually, one of these days I ought to blog about trans-oriented dating sites). We talked via email, IM and phone for about four months; in fact, we talked and texted so much we had to start making rules for ourselves to not call during peak hours, because while all's fair in love and war, $400 phone bills ain't so sexy!

Finally, as a three-day holiday weekend approached, we made plans for me to visit her (we were living about 450 miles away for each other at the time). The fact that it took her 4-months to agree to meet me didn't seem odd at time; it actually seemed to make a lot of sense, somehow, but in hindsight, it ought to have been a red flag.

We actually spent three really chill days together, and in some ways, we really clicked. But in other aspects, there were obvious issues.

What came across as kinda cutely endearing neuroticisms over the phone, I realized in person, were seriously pathological anxieties. What seemed tough circumstances due to some seriously bad luck I realized emblematic of much deeper problems. What looked to be candid pictures turned out to be staged, retouched, highly selected, and, not always resent. Lastly (and honestly most troublingly) what seemed to be fierce loyalty and passionate romanticism I realized was actually intense possessiveness with possible stalker potential...

...because of those factors I, ultimately, decided not to pursue a relationship with her.

The Lady in Red

The worlds oldest profession, being on the "game," sugar relationships, adult entertainment; by whatever name you call it, sex work tends to be a big elephant in the room in the trans community. Let me say this, for someone who's never paid for, or been paid for, sex, I know a GINOURMOUS amount about the topic (see this blog entry).

To be perfectly frank, my feelings on the commoditization of sex are complex. One the one had I hate, the institution of prostitution for what it does, in my experience, to those engaged in it. On the other hand I don't think it ought be illegal; I do, however, think that the conditions that lead people the conclusion that they have no other option ought absolutely be criminal!!!

That said, I unashamedly am a consumer of transsexual porn. Is this hypocritical? Perhaps. But, considering the relative scarcity of potential partners for exclusively trans-attracted males, we have little option to exercise healthy "desires" in our comparatively long periods of being single (that is in you're not/don't want to be Craig's List casual encounters bait, that is).

The exchange of sex as a commodity takes many form, escorting/"escorting," Walking the "track," Sugar-daddy/sugar-baby relationship, pornography, etc, all of which, in my experience are psychologically tough on those doing the selling. What I have also found is that just as the various forms sex takes are diverse, so are the people who engage is sex work.

M*******, my ex mentioned in the entry linked above, I think, is fairly typical of sex workers. She came from a highly dysfunctional and abusive broken home, from which she was kicked-out/ran away from in order to transition. She started engaging in sex work while homeless at 15. Eventually she ended up in foster care, but when she turned 18, she was on her own.

Despite being VERY smart, she was a highscool drop-out and by 19, when we met, she was a full-time sex worker - and still is to this day. To my mind, circumstance left her with little choice. Sure...she could work at McDonalds...but how would one fund transition doing that?

M********'s story is, I guess, what people expect to hear about sex workers, but there is flipside, that, I think, is really controversial to talk about, but actually quite common.

I've also known surprisingly a lot of highly educated women who've engaged in the sex trade on what I call an "emergency" basis. I corresponded with and went on several (real) dates with a girl named V*****, who had bachelor's degree in fashion marketing. Because of her trans-status, should couldn't find work in the back office, and was employed seasonally part-time/full-time a department store as a sales associate. Similarly, another friend of mine, who is a grad student, also escorts, to some degree, for the same exact reasons as V*****. The reality is, there are poor employment opportunities for transgender women - even those with higher education!

The bottom line is, our society doesn't offer much in the way of a safety net for the those in need it. So, considering that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, is it surprising t-girls do what they have to do to get by?

D.

Something I want to say to someone special . . .

Yes . . .

. . . I resorted to the heartfelt letter, for that cliché, I am truly sorry. First, I understand all of this of my own making. I am a fundamentally lonely person and when I met you, I could see very fast that you are everything I could possibly hope for in a woman. I think, because of the combination of those two things, I let my emotions get ahead of reality. In that way, I’ve probably been very foolish.

I know we haven’t known each other long. Can you believe it’s only been six weeks? To me is seems longer. Perhaps that’s because I long for you so. Most nights I can’t even sleep. I lay awake in bed contemplating hopes and fears. I hang on every ring of the phone. When I’m with you I feel as though nothing else matters. I tell myself the conciliation in all this is that, the extent to which I hurt speaks to for my affection for you, which is a quality in me I thought long ago lost.

For helping me find my ability to love again, I am truly grateful. I am only sorry that we didn’t meet at a better time for you. The last thing I would ever want to do is bring you another single second of heartache after all you’ve been through. For you, I would be willing to wait, if only I knew whether it would matter . . .

- D.

Validation and Its Many Faces (pt. 2)

"It's not you, it's me" is a classic cop-out if ever there was one. However, in some circumstances, I believe it's an apt summery. In a lot ways the next issue is related to the phenomenon of what I call transsexual sirens. However, I think it deserves an entry unto its own, because there are some specific differences as well. What I'm referring to is cheating, which from my observational perspective, in really common among men and women on the transsexual/trans-attracted male dynamic.

"THE CHEATER"
Countless songs, across all genres, have been written about this subject, and judging from biblical commandments against adultery, humans figured out the concept of "stepping out" about 10 secs. after inventing the concept of commitment. In the context of this topic, here is what I have to say.

The motivations of men to cheat on transsexuals is generally simple - they're horny. If you combine that with the fetishist goggles a lot of men wear when they think of t-girls, you have a recipe for midnight creepin' of all sorts. After all, if you view someone in an objectified manner, it's pretty easy to rationalize away your misdeeds.

With trans-women, I think the issue is more complex, however. Cheating can definitely feeds a persons need for validation, both if you're doing the cheating or if you're the "other" person. A lot of t-girls I've known over the years get a HUGE thrill out of dating married men. I think this stems from the fact that, in such a situation, a man is essentially putting his whole life at risk to be with her.

As for transsexuals in the role of the cheater, I believe firmly that it originates from the cheaters sense of not being good enough. On the one hand, they sabotage a relationship they feel they somehow don't deserve and on the other hand, the extra attention feeds their need for validation (which is where the similarity to "the siren" comes in). Insomuch as that transsexuals who cheat usually do so out of deep seeded emotional issues, I find the phenomenon if not forgivable, at least understandable.

I say this not to excuse anyone for having selective ethics, but rather because, over the years I have seen trans-women who otherwise really had their lives in order throwaway relationship after relationship because they couldn't resist a little "strange" from time-to-time.

Validation and Its Many Faces (pt. 1)

I don't claim to be well versed in psychological matters, if fact, other than a single undergrad psych class, I know next to nothing about how the human mind works. What I do know, though, is that the drive to seek validation of femininity of has been present in basically every trans-women I've ever known - at least to some degree. I also know that I've seen this phenomenon discussed in enough diverse circles to infer that it's not just my lone observation.

This behavior takes many, many different forms, but there are a few that I've found to be the most common, and unfortunately, they also happen to be particularly sabotaging (to all parties involved).

"THE SIREN"
Everybody loves to be chased, right? It definitely feels great to be wanted, but when it's habitual - and purposeful - it becomes problematic. Ever see a t-girl's myspace page that has thousands of friends, most of whom are shirtless guys? Unless she's a celebrity personal trainer, she's probably a "siren."

People who do this tend to have a deep fear of intimacy and commitment I think. And while the internet super hottie with her thousands of six-pack-packing abs amigos is sort of an innocuous example, generally this pattern takes a subtler tone, which is where it becomes truly hurtful.

My personal experience, and social observation, is that girls like this will casually see multiple guys at a time, all the while encouraging these fellows on the one hand while keeping them at arms length with the other. If you've even genuinely cared for someone who engages in this behavior, you know how truly damaging in can be to you self-esteem. However, on the other side, I think it's also damaging.

It's not been my observation that this particular "prey" never gets "caught," which means that ultimately, somebody who does this has many (emotionally) unrewarding relationships and meaningless sex. In the 10+ years I've spent in and around the trans community I have definitely witnessed the tragedy that can be the end result of this behavior. When their looks fade with age these girls self-destruct BIG TIME

So, I haven't blogged in almost two years?!?!?

Well, that's about to end. I recently stumbled across a really interesting blog called Confessions of A Tranny Chaser (http://trannychaserconfessions.blogspot.com/), although the owner has apparently since taken it down. It dealt a lot with the sexual component of being a trans-attracted male, but also made a lot of observations about the behaviors of chasers and trans-women (I think at times we tend to forget that men who date transsexuals often end up with a lot of first-hand practical knowledge of t-girls face).

So any ways, all of this is to say that after a 19-month hiatus - during which I forgot my log-in - I'm back!

-D