"It's not you, it's me" is a classic cop-out if ever there was one. However, in some circumstances, I believe it's an apt summery. In a lot ways the next issue is related to the phenomenon of what I call transsexual sirens. However, I think it deserves an entry unto its own, because there are some specific differences as well. What I'm referring to is cheating, which from my observational perspective, in really common among men and women on the transsexual/trans-attracted male dynamic.
"THE CHEATER"
Countless songs, across all genres, have been written about this subject, and judging from biblical commandments against adultery, humans figured out the concept of "stepping out" about 10 secs. after inventing the concept of commitment. In the context of this topic, here is what I have to say.
The motivations of men to cheat on transsexuals is generally simple - they're horny. If you combine that with the fetishist goggles a lot of men wear when they think of t-girls, you have a recipe for midnight creepin' of all sorts. After all, if you view someone in an objectified manner, it's pretty easy to rationalize away your misdeeds.
With trans-women, I think the issue is more complex, however. Cheating can definitely feeds a persons need for validation, both if you're doing the cheating or if you're the "other" person. A lot of t-girls I've known over the years get a HUGE thrill out of dating married men. I think this stems from the fact that, in such a situation, a man is essentially putting his whole life at risk to be with her.
As for transsexuals in the role of the cheater, I believe firmly that it originates from the cheaters sense of not being good enough. On the one hand, they sabotage a relationship they feel they somehow don't deserve and on the other hand, the extra attention feeds their need for validation (which is where the similarity to "the siren" comes in). Insomuch as that transsexuals who cheat usually do so out of deep seeded emotional issues, I find the phenomenon if not forgivable, at least understandable.
I say this not to excuse anyone for having selective ethics, but rather because, over the years I have seen trans-women who otherwise really had their lives in order throwaway relationship after relationship because they couldn't resist a little "strange" from time-to-time.
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6 comments:
As with my comment in your earlier blog, I'm still curious where your observations are being derived from.
I'll confess straight up that I was once the "other woman". The very first man I was ever with was married, and it created huge amounts of conflict for me. We only met once before I put an end to the "affair". It was never about the "validation"; if that's all I wanted, I had plenty of opportunities before that I had passed on. The fact that he was married didn't make him "safer" or more "enticing"...it made the whole thing sad and scary and impossibly difficult. I was looking for something real, as was he, and the two of us connected when we never really should have...and I disconnected as soon as the full weight of what was happening hit me.
One thing I did learn during that time is that affairs are ridiculously common for everyone, not just trans women. As I tried to deal with my guilt, I confessed to the women I worked with what had happened...and was stunned to find that many of them had similar experiences. There are whole internet communities devoted to the support of "other women". There's just lots of lost and lonely people out there looking for something and not finding it...or finding it in the wrong places.
Wow Renee,
As my blogs' one and only follower, I really appreciate your feedback!
As always, My opinion/observations are based one personal experiences of what I've been through myself and what I've witnessed first hand.
I've unknowingly been "the other guy" twice. Both times I had my suspicions about my statues, and ultimately extricated myself from the situation with as much dignity as possible when I learn what was really going on.
In one of there instances it would probably be fair to say that, in so much as I developed feelings for the girl, it felt very much like being cheated on as well.
Hiya,
I'm very sorry you had to go through that. The feelings are definitely complicated, and I remember being judged quite severely by people who hadn't been through a similar experience. Everyone thinks it's simple, but it's not.
I started following your blog back before you went on hiatus. At the time, another blogger in my circle had hi-lited it on her blog and being someone who was often confused about the way admirers sometimes behave, I thought it was really neat to find someone talking so openly about their feelings. I hope you continue to do so...I look forward to the conversations that might ensue.
If you're interested, I'm a co-moderator at a place called T-Central, which tries to collect together the personal blogs of trans women, trans men, and our allies. I think having your blog listed there is appropriate, if you're interested, although some of the things you say may stir up some controversy (and/or hit close to home for certain readers). It's up to you, but I'd be happy to add it (although now I'm a little paranoid about people reading about my love life in this post).
I might suggest fixing the spelling of VIEW in the title banner though. :-)
Ha, yeah that spelling error is annoying. I wanted to change the blogs' title anyway...if only I could figure out how.
Let me think about you linking my blog.
On the one hand, I really welcome having a dialog with others, but on the other, I tend to write these in a stream of consciousness, any worry about making myself vulnerable people who might just criticize....
Well, chances I'm the most critical person you'll ever meet, so you're already screwed! lol.
But also, I really like your blog and I'll fiercely defend you too. We're all a part of the same community, and your voice is one we need to hear more from.
But don't let me encourage you or discourage you. You don't need an audience or followers or anything else. I know where to find you already, and I'm glad to be able to read and talk.
Hey Renee, I thought about it, and if you still want to, feel free to link my blog
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