I don't claim to be well versed in psychological matters, if fact, other than a single undergrad psych class, I know next to nothing about how the human mind works. What I do know, though, is that the drive to seek validation of femininity of has been present in basically every trans-women I've ever known - at least to some degree. I also know that I've seen this phenomenon discussed in enough diverse circles to infer that it's not just my lone observation.
This behavior takes many, many different forms, but there are a few that I've found to be the most common, and unfortunately, they also happen to be particularly sabotaging (to all parties involved).
"THE SIREN"
Everybody loves to be chased, right? It definitely feels great to be wanted, but when it's habitual - and purposeful - it becomes problematic. Ever see a t-girl's myspace page that has thousands of friends, most of whom are shirtless guys? Unless she's a celebrity personal trainer, she's probably a "siren."
People who do this tend to have a deep fear of intimacy and commitment I think. And while the internet super hottie with her thousands of six-pack-packing abs amigos is sort of an innocuous example, generally this pattern takes a subtler tone, which is where it becomes truly hurtful.
My personal experience, and social observation, is that girls like this will casually see multiple guys at a time, all the while encouraging these fellows on the one hand while keeping them at arms length with the other. If you've even genuinely cared for someone who engages in this behavior, you know how truly damaging in can be to you self-esteem. However, on the other side, I think it's also damaging.
It's not been my observation that this particular "prey" never gets "caught," which means that ultimately, somebody who does this has many (emotionally) unrewarding relationships and meaningless sex. In the 10+ years I've spent in and around the trans community I have definitely witnessed the tragedy that can be the end result of this behavior. When their looks fade with age these girls self-destruct BIG TIME
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Hola.
You're right, validation is indeed very important to trans woman, particularly those pre-transition or in early transition.
What you describe reminds me a little of the pseudo "club scene" that sort of exists in certain gay bars on weekends around the country, where trans women tend to gather as a way of "getting out". But most of these women either aren't in transition (and don't intend to be) or are so early in their transition that they're just getting their feet wet. They do, like all women, mix up male approval with female validation and I agree, it can be destructive.
But beyond that, my perspective diverges from yours.
For starters, I don't know many transitioning women who identify as heterosexual. There certainly are some, but we're a minority. I often feel pretty alone in that way.
More importantly, transition (for the lucky ones, anyway) builds confidence and that need for validation starts to fade. Perhaps it never really goes away completely, but that's true for all women, and even men...we're social creatures and we look to the social collective to support and reaffirm ourselves within our lives. The women I see at this stage of transition - whether they identify as het or homo - are usually looking for real relationships, not just simply for attention because it makes them feel more "womanly".
But perhaps we move in different circles? I'd love to know where your observations are coming from. As someone looking for something real, the perspective of a man also looking for something real interests me.
It's interesting that you feel trans-women who self-identify as heterosexual are a minority. All sexual orientation/gender identity labeling politics aside, the overwhelmingly vast majority of trans -women I've ever some into contact with have been attracted to men.
My observations are drawn from my own past relationships and dating experiences, those of my partners and their friends, as well watching the online discourse on various networking/dating sites where, after a few years, you begin to recognize familiar faces/patterns.
Oh yes, also, I've not found validation seeking behavior to be at all isolated to younger girls or those earlier in transition.
I don't think is has any connection to outward appearance whatsoever. Anecdotally speaking, the most beautiful/passable transsexuals I've known have been dealt with this issue too.
Hi there!
I'm certainly not trying to dismiss your observations, just compare.
It perhaps makes sense that most trans women you've met are heterosexual leaning, since you're a heterosexual man (I'm guessing, not trying to label) and I presume the methods you have of meeting women would skew het. Dating sites and such (that's how I go about meeting, or trying to meet, men).
It's possible too that my perception reflects a certain bias because most of the trans women I know (and I think they do constitute the majority at this point in time, but will not in the very near future as mainstream acceptance grows) are in their 30s or older.
In fact, most of the women I know are not just lesbians, but married lesbians, hanging onto relationships in which they had already built families prior to transition. Those who end up in divorce still tend to hang on to their female-dating-partner-preference, and quite often end up dating other trans women. I know very few who date cis women, though I think that's more about gender politics in the lesbian community, and finally somewhere near the bottom of that ladder are the heterosexual identifying women (like myself). None of that really matters to the point your making though. :-)
You're right that "passable" trans women suffer from the same insecurities as everyone else. We can't see through other peoples' eyes. In our minds, we still know the truth about our histories, we still see the imperfections, and every interaction is one in which we're constantly wondering if we're being "read". It's one of the reasons I lobby against the idea of "passing"; this obsession with our looks and voices and all the rest of that stuff is just about the surface of the person...we can get lost in that and suddenly there is nothing else. At least, that's what I fear for my sisters.
But to eliminate that fear of being "read" or "not passing" means educating the public. It means creating mainstream acceptance for trans women, even those who don't fit some artificial standard of beauty (which honestly, is most women, trans or otherwise). And yes, it means making it okay to love a trans women without any stigma attached to either person.
Since we're talking about your experiences dating trans women, I kind of want to talk about my experiences dating admirers.
For starters, I've had a ton of the stereotypical interactions. Guys who are interested in trans women for the "exotic" sex action, or whatever. I try not to judge the whole by the actions of these people, but I mention it because I had to wade through a ton of really offensive, esteem-challenging bs just to meet one guy I might feel comfortable going on a date with.
So yes, I've only dated one guy who could be called an "admirer". He was nice and polite and we made good conversation. I really only had one reservation...he was only interested in dating trans women, and I (and most trans women I know) find that troubling, since we're not interested in being seen as distinct from other women.
And ultimately, I think that's why we didn't go on more than two dates. He apparently was dating other women concurrently, and after a week of silence following our second date he contacted me to let me know that he was with another woman that he had "better chemistry" with. I don't know who this other woman was or what he meant by "better chemistry", but knowing myself and our conversations, I get the feeling I just wasn't "trans" enough for him. What I mean, is I still embody a lot of strong, typically masculine qualities...I'm strong, liberated, outspoken, and opinionated. I think he was looking for someone more traditionally "feminine", and based on my interactions with other admirers, I know that's something many of them are looking for.
So if trans women are looking for men to validate them in their femininity, it seems like the admirers (or at least many of them) are also in it for the same reason. It's certainly a dynamic I don't fit into, though.
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