Continuing where I left off...
I decided not to pursue a relationship with the girl I'd been corresponding with. Which so began one of the surrealist episodes of my life. I tried to make a clean and honorable break, although, in all fairness, there's not really a nice way to say, "sorry, I think you're bat shit crazy and you scare the bejesus out of me."
This girl was what I call a "big deal on the internet" e.g. she has lots of cyber friends (none of whom she'd ever met in person, as far as I know). She started a campaign to isolate me on the most prominent transgender dating sites. She did this a number of ways, most notably by befriending girls in my area to "warn" them about me, which I found particularly disingenuous consider in several instances, I knew for a fact that she, in actuality, seriously disliked her new "friends." I quickly found myself being drawn into a internet PR war, which I decided to avoid by lowering my profile in cyberland. In other words, I was bullied off the internet.
Needless to say, the whole situation was rather stressful, but what was really the most difficult part was that I found several acquaintances, who I considered friends (as much as you can people you know via the internet) took her "side" in the drama of this internet "break-up"
The truly bizarre thing is, even though this person has since be "publicly" shown to be a crazy person and - I believe - banned from a few dating sites, for some reason, the stigma surrounding me remains. I even had a run in with with a girl last month who called me out for supposedly being "just another typical dodgy tranny chaser" - which under the circumstances was funny, considering this girl once stood me up on a date!
I think there are really three lessons to be learned by this: 1) hell hath no furry like the women scorned; 2) the transgender world is a small one; 3) don't believe everything some you "know" on the internet tells you.
D.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Where have I been? (pt.1)
I maintained this blog, as well as its predecessor, for a fairly long time. But for reasons I'm not entirely sure about, though, I decided to take a break from blogging about a year and a half ago. So I thought whoever's out there might like a recap of what's been going on in the last 18-19 month.
Queue cheesy movie flashback squigly lines and fade to black and white...
In the Summer of 2008 I started corresponding with a girl via a dating site (actually, one of these days I ought to blog about trans-oriented dating sites). We talked via email, IM and phone for about four months; in fact, we talked and texted so much we had to start making rules for ourselves to not call during peak hours, because while all's fair in love and war, $400 phone bills ain't so sexy!
Finally, as a three-day holiday weekend approached, we made plans for me to visit her (we were living about 450 miles away for each other at the time). The fact that it took her 4-months to agree to meet me didn't seem odd at time; it actually seemed to make a lot of sense, somehow, but in hindsight, it ought to have been a red flag.
We actually spent three really chill days together, and in some ways, we really clicked. But in other aspects, there were obvious issues.
What came across as kinda cutely endearing neuroticisms over the phone, I realized in person, were seriously pathological anxieties. What seemed tough circumstances due to some seriously bad luck I realized emblematic of much deeper problems. What looked to be candid pictures turned out to be staged, retouched, highly selected, and, not always resent. Lastly (and honestly most troublingly) what seemed to be fierce loyalty and passionate romanticism I realized was actually intense possessiveness with possible stalker potential...
...because of those factors I, ultimately, decided not to pursue a relationship with her.
Queue cheesy movie flashback squigly lines and fade to black and white...
In the Summer of 2008 I started corresponding with a girl via a dating site (actually, one of these days I ought to blog about trans-oriented dating sites). We talked via email, IM and phone for about four months; in fact, we talked and texted so much we had to start making rules for ourselves to not call during peak hours, because while all's fair in love and war, $400 phone bills ain't so sexy!
Finally, as a three-day holiday weekend approached, we made plans for me to visit her (we were living about 450 miles away for each other at the time). The fact that it took her 4-months to agree to meet me didn't seem odd at time; it actually seemed to make a lot of sense, somehow, but in hindsight, it ought to have been a red flag.
We actually spent three really chill days together, and in some ways, we really clicked. But in other aspects, there were obvious issues.
What came across as kinda cutely endearing neuroticisms over the phone, I realized in person, were seriously pathological anxieties. What seemed tough circumstances due to some seriously bad luck I realized emblematic of much deeper problems. What looked to be candid pictures turned out to be staged, retouched, highly selected, and, not always resent. Lastly (and honestly most troublingly) what seemed to be fierce loyalty and passionate romanticism I realized was actually intense possessiveness with possible stalker potential...
...because of those factors I, ultimately, decided not to pursue a relationship with her.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Lady in Red
The worlds oldest profession, being on the "game," sugar relationships, adult entertainment; by whatever name you call it, sex work tends to be a big elephant in the room in the trans community. Let me say this, for someone who's never paid for, or been paid for, sex, I know a GINOURMOUS amount about the topic (see this blog entry).
To be perfectly frank, my feelings on the commoditization of sex are complex. One the one had I hate, the institution of prostitution for what it does, in my experience, to those engaged in it. On the other hand I don't think it ought be illegal; I do, however, think that the conditions that lead people the conclusion that they have no other option ought absolutely be criminal!!!
That said, I unashamedly am a consumer of transsexual porn. Is this hypocritical? Perhaps. But, considering the relative scarcity of potential partners for exclusively trans-attracted males, we have little option to exercise healthy "desires" in our comparatively long periods of being single (that is in you're not/don't want to be Craig's List casual encounters bait, that is).
The exchange of sex as a commodity takes many form, escorting/"escorting," Walking the "track," Sugar-daddy/sugar-baby relationship, pornography, etc, all of which, in my experience are psychologically tough on those doing the selling. What I have also found is that just as the various forms sex takes are diverse, so are the people who engage is sex work.
M*******, my ex mentioned in the entry linked above, I think, is fairly typical of sex workers. She came from a highly dysfunctional and abusive broken home, from which she was kicked-out/ran away from in order to transition. She started engaging in sex work while homeless at 15. Eventually she ended up in foster care, but when she turned 18, she was on her own.
Despite being VERY smart, she was a highscool drop-out and by 19, when we met, she was a full-time sex worker - and still is to this day. To my mind, circumstance left her with little choice. Sure...she could work at McDonalds...but how would one fund transition doing that?
M********'s story is, I guess, what people expect to hear about sex workers, but there is flipside, that, I think, is really controversial to talk about, but actually quite common.
I've also known surprisingly a lot of highly educated women who've engaged in the sex trade on what I call an "emergency" basis. I corresponded with and went on several (real) dates with a girl named V*****, who had bachelor's degree in fashion marketing. Because of her trans-status, should couldn't find work in the back office, and was employed seasonally part-time/full-time a department store as a sales associate. Similarly, another friend of mine, who is a grad student, also escorts, to some degree, for the same exact reasons as V*****. The reality is, there are poor employment opportunities for transgender women - even those with higher education!
The bottom line is, our society doesn't offer much in the way of a safety net for the those in need it. So, considering that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, is it surprising t-girls do what they have to do to get by?
D.
To be perfectly frank, my feelings on the commoditization of sex are complex. One the one had I hate, the institution of prostitution for what it does, in my experience, to those engaged in it. On the other hand I don't think it ought be illegal; I do, however, think that the conditions that lead people the conclusion that they have no other option ought absolutely be criminal!!!
That said, I unashamedly am a consumer of transsexual porn. Is this hypocritical? Perhaps. But, considering the relative scarcity of potential partners for exclusively trans-attracted males, we have little option to exercise healthy "desires" in our comparatively long periods of being single (that is in you're not/don't want to be Craig's List casual encounters bait, that is).
The exchange of sex as a commodity takes many form, escorting/"escorting," Walking the "track," Sugar-daddy/sugar-baby relationship, pornography, etc, all of which, in my experience are psychologically tough on those doing the selling. What I have also found is that just as the various forms sex takes are diverse, so are the people who engage is sex work.
M*******, my ex mentioned in the entry linked above, I think, is fairly typical of sex workers. She came from a highly dysfunctional and abusive broken home, from which she was kicked-out/ran away from in order to transition. She started engaging in sex work while homeless at 15. Eventually she ended up in foster care, but when she turned 18, she was on her own.
Despite being VERY smart, she was a highscool drop-out and by 19, when we met, she was a full-time sex worker - and still is to this day. To my mind, circumstance left her with little choice. Sure...she could work at McDonalds...but how would one fund transition doing that?
M********'s story is, I guess, what people expect to hear about sex workers, but there is flipside, that, I think, is really controversial to talk about, but actually quite common.
I've also known surprisingly a lot of highly educated women who've engaged in the sex trade on what I call an "emergency" basis. I corresponded with and went on several (real) dates with a girl named V*****, who had bachelor's degree in fashion marketing. Because of her trans-status, should couldn't find work in the back office, and was employed seasonally part-time/full-time a department store as a sales associate. Similarly, another friend of mine, who is a grad student, also escorts, to some degree, for the same exact reasons as V*****. The reality is, there are poor employment opportunities for transgender women - even those with higher education!
The bottom line is, our society doesn't offer much in the way of a safety net for the those in need it. So, considering that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, is it surprising t-girls do what they have to do to get by?
D.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Something I want to say to someone special . . .
Yes . . .
. . . I resorted to the heartfelt letter, for that cliché, I am truly sorry. First, I understand all of this of my own making. I am a fundamentally lonely person and when I met you, I could see very fast that you are everything I could possibly hope for in a woman. I think, because of the combination of those two things, I let my emotions get ahead of reality. In that way, I’ve probably been very foolish.
I know we haven’t known each other long. Can you believe it’s only been six weeks? To me is seems longer. Perhaps that’s because I long for you so. Most nights I can’t even sleep. I lay awake in bed contemplating hopes and fears. I hang on every ring of the phone. When I’m with you I feel as though nothing else matters. I tell myself the conciliation in all this is that, the extent to which I hurt speaks to for my affection for you, which is a quality in me I thought long ago lost.
For helping me find my ability to love again, I am truly grateful. I am only sorry that we didn’t meet at a better time for you. The last thing I would ever want to do is bring you another single second of heartache after all you’ve been through. For you, I would be willing to wait, if only I knew whether it would matter . . .
- D.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Validation and Its Many Faces (pt. 2)
"It's not you, it's me" is a classic cop-out if ever there was one. However, in some circumstances, I believe it's an apt summery. In a lot ways the next issue is related to the phenomenon of what I call transsexual sirens. However, I think it deserves an entry unto its own, because there are some specific differences as well. What I'm referring to is cheating, which from my observational perspective, in really common among men and women on the transsexual/trans-attracted male dynamic.
"THE CHEATER"
Countless songs, across all genres, have been written about this subject, and judging from biblical commandments against adultery, humans figured out the concept of "stepping out" about 10 secs. after inventing the concept of commitment. In the context of this topic, here is what I have to say.
The motivations of men to cheat on transsexuals is generally simple - they're horny. If you combine that with the fetishist goggles a lot of men wear when they think of t-girls, you have a recipe for midnight creepin' of all sorts. After all, if you view someone in an objectified manner, it's pretty easy to rationalize away your misdeeds.
With trans-women, I think the issue is more complex, however. Cheating can definitely feeds a persons need for validation, both if you're doing the cheating or if you're the "other" person. A lot of t-girls I've known over the years get a HUGE thrill out of dating married men. I think this stems from the fact that, in such a situation, a man is essentially putting his whole life at risk to be with her.
As for transsexuals in the role of the cheater, I believe firmly that it originates from the cheaters sense of not being good enough. On the one hand, they sabotage a relationship they feel they somehow don't deserve and on the other hand, the extra attention feeds their need for validation (which is where the similarity to "the siren" comes in). Insomuch as that transsexuals who cheat usually do so out of deep seeded emotional issues, I find the phenomenon if not forgivable, at least understandable.
I say this not to excuse anyone for having selective ethics, but rather because, over the years I have seen trans-women who otherwise really had their lives in order throwaway relationship after relationship because they couldn't resist a little "strange" from time-to-time.
"THE CHEATER"
Countless songs, across all genres, have been written about this subject, and judging from biblical commandments against adultery, humans figured out the concept of "stepping out" about 10 secs. after inventing the concept of commitment. In the context of this topic, here is what I have to say.
The motivations of men to cheat on transsexuals is generally simple - they're horny. If you combine that with the fetishist goggles a lot of men wear when they think of t-girls, you have a recipe for midnight creepin' of all sorts. After all, if you view someone in an objectified manner, it's pretty easy to rationalize away your misdeeds.
With trans-women, I think the issue is more complex, however. Cheating can definitely feeds a persons need for validation, both if you're doing the cheating or if you're the "other" person. A lot of t-girls I've known over the years get a HUGE thrill out of dating married men. I think this stems from the fact that, in such a situation, a man is essentially putting his whole life at risk to be with her.
As for transsexuals in the role of the cheater, I believe firmly that it originates from the cheaters sense of not being good enough. On the one hand, they sabotage a relationship they feel they somehow don't deserve and on the other hand, the extra attention feeds their need for validation (which is where the similarity to "the siren" comes in). Insomuch as that transsexuals who cheat usually do so out of deep seeded emotional issues, I find the phenomenon if not forgivable, at least understandable.
I say this not to excuse anyone for having selective ethics, but rather because, over the years I have seen trans-women who otherwise really had their lives in order throwaway relationship after relationship because they couldn't resist a little "strange" from time-to-time.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Validation and Its Many Faces (pt. 1)
I don't claim to be well versed in psychological matters, if fact, other than a single undergrad psych class, I know next to nothing about how the human mind works. What I do know, though, is that the drive to seek validation of femininity of has been present in basically every trans-women I've ever known - at least to some degree. I also know that I've seen this phenomenon discussed in enough diverse circles to infer that it's not just my lone observation.
This behavior takes many, many different forms, but there are a few that I've found to be the most common, and unfortunately, they also happen to be particularly sabotaging (to all parties involved).
"THE SIREN"
Everybody loves to be chased, right? It definitely feels great to be wanted, but when it's habitual - and purposeful - it becomes problematic. Ever see a t-girl's myspace page that has thousands of friends, most of whom are shirtless guys? Unless she's a celebrity personal trainer, she's probably a "siren."
People who do this tend to have a deep fear of intimacy and commitment I think. And while the internet super hottie with her thousands of six-pack-packing abs amigos is sort of an innocuous example, generally this pattern takes a subtler tone, which is where it becomes truly hurtful.
My personal experience, and social observation, is that girls like this will casually see multiple guys at a time, all the while encouraging these fellows on the one hand while keeping them at arms length with the other. If you've even genuinely cared for someone who engages in this behavior, you know how truly damaging in can be to you self-esteem. However, on the other side, I think it's also damaging.
It's not been my observation that this particular "prey" never gets "caught," which means that ultimately, somebody who does this has many (emotionally) unrewarding relationships and meaningless sex. In the 10+ years I've spent in and around the trans community I have definitely witnessed the tragedy that can be the end result of this behavior. When their looks fade with age these girls self-destruct BIG TIME
This behavior takes many, many different forms, but there are a few that I've found to be the most common, and unfortunately, they also happen to be particularly sabotaging (to all parties involved).
"THE SIREN"
Everybody loves to be chased, right? It definitely feels great to be wanted, but when it's habitual - and purposeful - it becomes problematic. Ever see a t-girl's myspace page that has thousands of friends, most of whom are shirtless guys? Unless she's a celebrity personal trainer, she's probably a "siren."
People who do this tend to have a deep fear of intimacy and commitment I think. And while the internet super hottie with her thousands of six-pack-packing abs amigos is sort of an innocuous example, generally this pattern takes a subtler tone, which is where it becomes truly hurtful.
My personal experience, and social observation, is that girls like this will casually see multiple guys at a time, all the while encouraging these fellows on the one hand while keeping them at arms length with the other. If you've even genuinely cared for someone who engages in this behavior, you know how truly damaging in can be to you self-esteem. However, on the other side, I think it's also damaging.
It's not been my observation that this particular "prey" never gets "caught," which means that ultimately, somebody who does this has many (emotionally) unrewarding relationships and meaningless sex. In the 10+ years I've spent in and around the trans community I have definitely witnessed the tragedy that can be the end result of this behavior. When their looks fade with age these girls self-destruct BIG TIME
So, I haven't blogged in almost two years?!?!?
Well, that's about to end. I recently stumbled across a really interesting blog called Confessions of A Tranny Chaser (http://trannychaserconfessions.blogspot.com/), although the owner has apparently since taken it down. It dealt a lot with the sexual component of being a trans-attracted male, but also made a lot of observations about the behaviors of chasers and trans-women (I think at times we tend to forget that men who date transsexuals often end up with a lot of first-hand practical knowledge of t-girls face).
So any ways, all of this is to say that after a 19-month hiatus - during which I forgot my log-in - I'm back!
-D
So any ways, all of this is to say that after a 19-month hiatus - during which I forgot my log-in - I'm back!
-D
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